Travel Guide Article
Ten Things That Tourists Should Never Do, But Do Anyway
The following article is not meant to poke fun at tourists. It is a humorous piece that attempts to better explain one of the mysteries of the Emerald Coast. The opinions here represent those solely of the author and not EmeraldCoast.com.
By Butch Blasingame
- Take a Family Trip to the Grocery Store
- Wearing “Alternative” Beach Attire
- Bring the Dog on Vacation
- Rent Your Place in a Residential Area
- Put On the Beer Goggles at 2 p.m.
- Ignore the Double-Red Flags
- Play NASCAR on US 98
- “Borrow” Stuff from Wal-Mart
- Shop at a Large Chain Store
- Stay out in the Sun Too Long
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Locals here on the Emerald Coast have seen it all the time – tourists that go too far. We’re not talking about the usual stupid stuff like leaving a couple of cases of beer bottles at the beach, “borrowing” towels or not tipping when you get good service. These are things that go over the top, and some may actually be hazardous to the individuals involved. Let me explain
- Take a Family Trip to the Grocery Store – The emphasis here is on family – it’s the start of your vacation week and the whole crew wants to go (or nobody wants to watch the kids). So, it’s off to the Supercenter where you clog the aisles for the other customers while Junior picks out which flavor of Fruit Loops he prefers and Missy goes a little further down the aisle to check out the Pop Tart selection. This makes for a long night at the store for you and the other customers. Just be sure to watch out for the stockers on forklifts making their way through the store. Junior could wind up with a flat foot or worse.
- Wear “Alternative” Beach Attire – Wear a real bathing suit, please. This is not the place to sun in your “tighty whities.” Talk about unmentionables. It’s done and it’s not a pretty sight. “Look out for the white whale Captain Ahab!”
- Bring the Dog on Vacation – Rover will enjoy that kennel close to home where they treat him like a king. Imagine you’re Rover – you’re going to stay where it’s against the rules to have pets, be taken to a beach where it’s against the rules for him to be there, get exposed to sand fleas and other types of marine pests that you don’t even know exist, and of course, you get to poop where and when your owners don’t have the stuff to get rid of it. Remember that cranky kids that have been exposed to sun all day can do bad things to Rover when you’re not looking.
- Rent Your Place in a Residential Area – This is really not an easy thing to do, with all the restrictions on rentals, but I’ve seen it happen. A house full of young beachgoers transplanted from their dorms straight to middle America. Ready to party? You neighbors certainly won’t be. The sheriff responds to calls about loud noises very quickly.
- Put on Beer Goggles at 2 p.m. – Okay, so you had a bad night last night and struck out with everyone. You’ve had some brew for breakfast and follow it with a few more. So, that lady down at the pool starts getting to look like Angelina Jolie (or that guy starts looking like Brad Pitt). No matter how this turns out, it isn’t going to end well. As Fancy Nancy said, “Just don’t do IT.”
- Ignore the Double-Red Flags – Yes, we know that you spent a lot of money to go to the beach. Yes, it’s a bummer when they post the flags, and you’re supposed to stay out of the water. But, consider the cost of burdening your family with your “arrangements” after they find you in Gulf. It happens every year, and it’s just plain sadder than it is stupid.
- Play NASCAR on Highway 98 – You see, you’re heading down the four-lane part of 98 around the Destin Commons area, and you’re on the high side where the lane ends. You figure if you gun it and ease left on that outside groove, you’ll cut a few of those ole’ boys off and get at least a couple of places ahead. Instead you hit the marbles and spin out – or do a little “rubbing” on the inside contender’s car. Either way, it’s a trip to “Ye Olde Body Shoppe.”
- “Borrow” Stuff From Wal-Mart – The greeters are so very nice, you shouldn’t pull this scam. You start your vacation with a big shopping trip for all the necessities – boogie boards, beach towels, flip flops, t-shirts, beach chairs, suntan oil, etc. Then, after you use what you need during your stay, you return it all before you leave and get a refund. Hey, the stuff is only barely used and is good as new. Yes, this is done. There are shopping carts of stuff at the return counter at the Mart. Some people have a lot of “character.”
- Shop at a Large Chain Store – Sure, you’re on vacation, but you can resist going by the Home Depot and checking out the latest weed eater, or those new subwoofers at Best Buy that would fit nicely in your den. Victoria’s Secret here has the same underwear as at home. Hey, you’re at the beach and there’s lots of beachy things to do – beach shopping, beach dining, beach sightseeing, beach fun. Don’t miss out! It’s vacation!
- Staying out in the Sun Too Long – Yes, you’re a tourist and you wear that lobster look back home like a badge of honor. It is your sworn duty to get burnt. But, if you go too far, and especially if you have a fair complexion, you’ll encounter the wonders of sun poisoning. In fact, you’ll wonder why you came here at all. As the beer company says, “Be Responsible.”
We do appreciate our tourists and hope that this handy list will help you enjoy your stay here on the Emerald Coast. We want you to come back many times to make many wonderful memories.